Why I'm Here

Hi there.  I'm a middle-aged American woman who is both a wife and a mother. Feel free to call me "Mom".

After a lifetime of seemingly inexplicable struggles with depression and twenty other symptoms, I was finally diagnosed with both Bipolar 2 Disorder and Type II Diabetes just days apart. I was 43 years old when I got the names for my ailments, and it was a giant relief to simply identify a reason for why I, quite literally, wanted to die.

I worked with my physicians - particularly my psychiatrist - for over four years, tinkering with medications until things had improved. The endurance one needs to withstand the various side effects during those years of trial and error is - for those of you who've never dealt with mental and/or chronic, incurable illnesses - is enormous.

Eventually, my doctor and I arrived at a place where we could do no more to fine-tune my medications. I had tried every prescription medication that could be given to me, in multiple combinations and dosages. I was healthier - both mentally and physically - than I had been in previous years, but I was still light years away from genuine functionality. Why? I couldn't sleep. (Bipolar Disorder can cause epic levels of sleep deprivation.)

My insomnia had been a fact of my life for many decades. It could not be touched with sleep medicines at normal doses. I had reached a kind of critical mass with sleeplessness. I obtained rest only by passing out from exhaustion or from a decent -sized handful of pills that alarmed anyone who witnessed me ingesting them. My psychiatrist worried that I would stop breathing some night if I continued my buffet-style approach to medicating myself into unconsciousness. Truthfully, I worried, too.

In a moment of inspiration, I asked my doctor: "What about medical marijuana?" My state had passed legislation that legalized its consumption for select disabilities, and my diabetic neuropathy qualified me for the license. He mentioned what I already knew - that preliminary studies had contraindicated marijuana use for people with Bipolar Disorder. And then he said, "But I'm willing to try it if you think it might help."

Yes, please. I would have been willing to try almost anything at that point, and I was completely out of other options. I had very little experience with marijuana, despite having close friends who were heavy, regular users in my youth. I could probably count the number of times I had attempted to smoke marijuana on my fingers and still have one or two left over. The 'high' that my friends so enjoyed was something I never experienced, and the one time I tried an edible marijuana item I was completely wrecked for well over 24 hours. None of these were pleasant memories...but, like I said, I was desperate.

Finally, I took the necessary steps to acquire my legal authorization to consume medical marijuana. It was so much simpler than I had imagined it would be, but, of course, I was more than medically qualified, too.

In the following weeks and months, with the help of my local dispensary, I sampled many different strains, strengths, delivery mechanisms, and every other variable I could envision. And I learned two life-changing facts:

1) I have a crazy-high tolerance for THC. I don't know how I got it, as I barely touched the stuff in my youth. Maybe that one edible ruined me from that point on? Regardless, the fact remains - I can take in enormous amounts of THC and not feel a thing. But, at least I knew now why I never really felt anything when I'd taken a toke in the past.

2) Once I had established an effective dose with sleep-friendly strains, I COULD FINALLY FALL ASLEEP LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. Every night, no fail.

I don't know if you, dear reader, can properly imagine what it's like to get regular, quality sleep after a couple of decades without it. To call it "life-altering" is a grotesque understatement. It felt almost like what I perceive awakening from a coma must be. I had been walking through a land of fog and dread for so long.

Marijuana saved my life, friends. I don't know how much longer I could have shuffled through life without sleep.

And so, here I am: a fledgling advocate for the decriminalization of marijuana consumption for adults everywhere. Are there people for whom marijuana is a bad idea? I'm sure they're out there. Can marijuana be abused? Of course - as can everything in existence. Does the potential for harm outweigh the potential for good? I don't know. That will depend on how many people there are bent on their own destruction and determined to use weed as their vehicle. Are the laws regarding marijuana possession and consumption outdated and in desperate need of a nationwide overhaul? I'm sure of this, too. I would not have been eligible for a medical marijuana license if it were not for my diabetes. There are no psychiatric conditions for which one can be approved for medical marijuana in my state at this time, so if I didn't have the strange blessing of this co-morbid condition, I would still be sleepless and dying slowly.

For those of you who fear further decriminalization of possession and consumption of cannabis, please hear me: access to try marijuana legally saved my life. I have no doubt at all that it would save many more. My goal here is to better understand this plant and the ways in which it is used as medicine for the body and the soul, as well as understanding the issues and questions that arise as the American approach to legislating the kind bud.